“Don’t say you love me, unless you mean it. Because I might do something crazy like believe it.”
I’ve been AWOL from the blog world for quite some time. There is nothing in particular that made me stop blogging, other than life. Things happen, life becomes overwhelming (in both pleasant and not so pleasant ways) and before you know it, a year and a half has passed. Now that I feel as though I finally have a grip on things, I decided it was time for my epic return. Okay, maybe not epic, but hey, I’m back.
For those of you who have been following my blog since the beginning, you know that I’ve been known for writing relationship/love/sex posts and often sharing personal stories around these topics– well, I’m pleased to say things have not changed.
Today’s post is centered around dating……..
When I use the term “dating,” I tend to use it fairly loosely. In my opinion, there are many degrees of dating, including: hookups, lovers, and relationships. Hookups are nothing more than a booty call, which is capable of happening at any hour; not restricted to just late nights & early mornings. Lovers, a concept I have been thinking about a lot lately and one that has become fairly popular, is very similar to hookups, but a little more intimate. Having a lover simply means that you enjoy having sex with each other and rather than just parting ways after, there is an added bonus of some quality companionship. Relationships, however, that’s the real deal. A relationship is when you and your guy have mutually stated that the two of you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with one another. And yes, even in your 20s you need to have that “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” conversation. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make as women, is that we don’t clarify our role in a male’s life, slide our hearts into situations and decide to assign ourselves our own titles.
For the most part, dating in your 20s is mostly exploratory. Dating during this stage in your life involves a lot of juggling, a lot of rejection, a lot of confusion and a lot of hurt feelings. I was once told that men in their 20s tend to “date” multiple women at a time because they are testing out who is the best fit for them. When you’re looking for an outfit that complements you best, you try on several before committing to one. Well, this is similar to the male’s thought process before deciding to get into a relationship. At first listen, I found this to be completely ridiculous. After giving it much thought, though, I somewhat understand. We all complain about wasted time when relationships end, but maybe if we explored our options more, we would choose better mates and not feel so much regret down the line. Where I believe men go wrong with this particular dating method, is that many of them don’t make it clear that they are dating other women, when becoming involved with a female and that causes major issues when she is ultimately rejected, especially if she had already convinced herself they were in a relationship, rather than just hooking up or lovers.
After I had the conversation with my friend, I started to look at dating like a science experiment: you combine different chemicals hoping for a reaction, but sometimes it doesn’t happen– and that’s okay. Not everyone you date is going to be headed on a linear trajectory towards marriage or a monogamous long-term commitment. And that is okay. You can still appreciate people and experiences for what they were. Yes, rejection sucks and sometimes it really, really hurts, especially when someone else is chosen over you. However, this is all a by-product of dating. You will never be able to find the right person if you never reject or get rejected by the ones who aren’t right for you. Besides, do you want to be with someone who isn’t into you 100%? No, you deserve better.
I say all this to say, ladies– dating is just that…DATING. Stop confusing hookups with lovers, and lovers with relationships. Stop claiming men who have not committed themselves to you. Stop turning to hatred when a man rejects you and chooses someone that is a better fit for their life. Stop always playing victim and crying that a home was wrecked, which never existed. Stop confusing things said during passionate, sexual moments between you and your lover, with real life promises and desires. Stop ignoring the fact that you are more sensitive than you like to think, you get attached easily, and casual sex may not be for you. And when a situation does end, stop resorting to childish & pathetic antics, such as: the infamous ‘keep a man baby trap’- which NEVER works & only hurts an innocent child; dramatic scenes in public– which aren’t very becoming and only show you in a negative light; and fighting– which could leave you severely hurt.
From having feelings for people to being rejected, emotions and situations will present themselves and catch you off-guard. But remember how a person rejects you is on them, and no, they don’t always go with the best method. But how you confused your role in their life is on you & you can’t complain about a situation you put yourself in.
All in all, remain an advocate for love, even if it doesn’t currently benefit you. Dating all comes down to eventually finding someone whose flaws work with your own. Someone who will not only appreciate your imperfections, but revels in them. I think that’s called love and love is tricky, so be patient.